Eddie vs Santa
by Deadly Little Miho
Summary: What happens when Eddie is hired to assassinate Santa? Cameo from Miguel Bain of Assassins


This is just a little Xmas present for my fans. I haven't written anything for ages and just felt like I should write something a little festive… well; it has Santa Claus in it.

For those of you, who haven't read Mr. Eddie, Adrienne is Eddie's contractor and she never shows herself to anyone, bar her hands and the top of her head. For those of you who haven't seen _Assassins_, Miguel Bain is Antonio Banderas' character who just happens to sneak into my Eddie fics. This is set **BEFORE** Mr. Eddie and **BEFORE** _Mr. & Mrs. Smith_.

See if you can spot the little nod to my newest fandom...

* * *

Adrienne must be mad. No, more than mad. She must be criminally insane, which possibly makes her brilliant, I haven't quite decided. Either way, I know that my kneecaps are at stake if I don't obey her, which is why I'm here, in the middle of a crowded mall, ready to take a pop at Santa Claus. To think today started semi-normally… 

1100 - 12/24 – Xmas Eve 

I had a hangover and a strange arm wrapped around me, the mark of a successful night. I pulled myself out from under the arm and found myself fumbling around for a drop that wasn't there. After opening my eyes, I realized I was on a floor and not in my apartment… and the arm belonged to another guy.

"Fuck!" I screamed, jumping up and waking the other comatose body. He grabbed and pointed his gun at me quicker than anybody should in a morning. As his curly hair flew back from his face, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was Miguel. Memories of the night before flooded back to me, we'd been out, trying to get our share of the Christmas spirits and after being rebuffed by every woman I approached, we'd stumbled back to his place and collapsed on the floor.

"Good morning to you too, _novio_." Miguel laughed, putting his gun back in the waistband of his pants.

Miguel was crazy. Completely _loco_. Ever since he'd seen his family killed in front of him as a child, he'd not been right in the head. He was killing for fun when Adrienne found him, now he was doing it for money… and he was scarily good.

Waving his arm in the direction of the door, he mumbled: "Looks like we've had a visitor."

I turned to see where he was waving and saw a brown file on the floor, the kind Adrienne used for jobs. I snatched it up and flipped it open. A job. For me. Which could only mean:

"Adrienne was following us last night." I muttered, "Fuck, what if I drunkenly hit on my boss? Again? Last time I did that I couldn't walk straight for days and I got promoted."

"What's so bad about that?" Miguel asked, pulling himself up off the floor.

"My boss was a man."

Miguel took the file off me and flipped through it, trying to control the smile spreading across his face. Looking over his shoulder I could make out a few things. Sleeping with a high-powered lawyer's wife, recovering drug addict, Santa Claus! I snatched the file back off Miguel. My mark, James Wood, was a shopping mall Santa. I had to kill Santa Claus. On Christmas Eve.

"Looks like someone will be getting a lump of coal this year." Miguel laughed.

I scowled at him and went back to reading the file. Santa finished work today, the busiest day of the year. Somehow I had to get to him and waste him before closing time, which gave me five hours. I also had to get to my place to get my weapons and a shirt that didn't have Mexican vomit down it. In my current state that would take about an hour, giving me four hours to find and kill St. Nick. Not including the half hour it would take to get to the mall, and the hour or two it would take to get me to Santa. So all in all I had about 90 minutes to waste him. Even a hung-over me could manage that.

1330 – Local Shopping Mall – Santa's Grotto

At my age, standing alone in line to meet Santa looks incredibly suspicious, almost perverted, which is why I now have a sugar high 5 year old clinging to me. God bless frustrated, over trusting single mothers. This experience is rapidly putting me off ever having children of my own, his constant squeals of: "When's it our turn, Uncle Eddie?" and "I wanna see Santaaaaa!" are driving me to the point of insanity. Soon I'll be as mad as Miguel... except without the Latin blood in me, it won't be cool and sexy, it'll just be insanity.

"Uncle Eddie?" The kid asks. I didn't catch his name; his mom was off without a second glance. She's lucky I'm just an assassin and not someone dangerous.

"What? What is it now?" I snap.

"Um… when's it my turn? I've been waiting aaaaages!" He moans, obviously not picking up on the annoyance in my voice.

There are only about 5 people in front of us now. I must have zoned out, last time I looked there were hundreds… well, thirty. My hand creeps to my thigh, checking for my beloved Jayne. She's there and she's ready to spread some Christmas cheer.

"Soon, Timmy."

"My name's not Timmy…" The kid starts.

"Whatever."

The line creeps slowly forward and I begin to panic. How am I going to waste this guy if I have a kid with me? I refuse to kill him in front of Timmy. Also, a clean getaway maybe a little difficult. Fuck, fuck and double fuck. Let's throw a motherfucker in there for good measure. This job just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

"Oooh! Is it us soon?" The kid asks brightly.

I look ahead. We're next in line.

Shit.

"Yeah, Timmy, it's our turn next."

"My name's not…"

A scream from the grotto catches mine and everyone else's attention. From where I'm standing I can just make out a hysterical elf, young child and mother. Santa, _my _mark, is slumped down in his chair, a small patch of red appearing through his beard.

"Um, Timmy, I think we better go." I say, pulling the brat out of the queue.

"But I wanna see Santa!" Timmy cries.

"Santa's a little incapacitated at the moment." I mumble, looking around for who could have taken down Santa. A scowl spreads across my face when I see who it was. Miguel is stood on the walkway above us, laughing.

"Bastard!"

"What's a bastard, Uncle Eddie?" Timmy asks. Great, now I've taught the kid swears.

Luckily I spot his mom not too far away from us and dump the brat off on her before running after Miguel. I don't know why I'm doing it. If they find me with him, I'm likely to get arrested myself but I just can't let that fucker get away with stealing my mark… again!

The quick response team is running towards the grotto. A very excitable male nurse leads the way, screaming at the kids to get out of the way, crash trolley in tow. I just hope he's as enthusiastic after Miguel's riddled _me_ with bullets.

I spot Miguel running round out of a back exit and I follow. Sometimes being 6ft 5 has its advantages, such as long legs which make it easier to catch up with Mexican midgets. I grab Miguel by the shoulder and turn him round to face me.

"What do you think you're doing? That was _my _job!"

"And you would have fucked it up like you always do. I was saving you the trouble." Miguel snaps.

"I would not have fucked it up!" I insist, not willing to admit that I was worried about the same thing.

"Yes you would, you would have shot him and then got caught by the cops, again and Adrienne would have had to bail you out, again. I was just saving you the trouble." Miguel said, a smug smile spread across his face.

My hand unconsciously reaches for Jayne and I find myself pointing her at Miguel. I must be dreaming, why the hell would _I _be pointing a gun at Miguel Bain? I'm not suicidal… well, not after noon anyway. Miguel just laughs.

"You wouldn't dare." He snarls.

It would seem that I do dare and I pull the trigger, sending a bullet straight into Miguel's gut. I pull again and another one follows it. Miguel reaches for his gun and I shoot him in the hand. He lets out a string of curses in Spanish as I shoot him in the gut once again. He cries out and drops to the floor, unconscious. I know I should really shoot him in the heart or the head to finish the job but I doubt Adrienne would appreciate me killing one of her star assassins. So I'll just leave him to bleed to death, that way there's a small possibility of survival.

I put Jayne back and stand over Miguel, smiling.

"Merry Christmas Miguel."

I walk back to my car, hoping that no-one heard or saw me and that that enthusiastic nurse will be along to help my _amigo_ before it's too late. For now though, I think it's time I got myself a bit more of those Christmas spirits…

* * *

Merry Christmas everybody! 

XXX


End file.
